


I Am (Not) Human, And That Is All I've Ever Wanted To Be

by Computercat1008



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Blood, Everyone Is Gay, Genderfluid Character, I'm Not Ashamed, Light Angst, Multi, No Smut, Sorry Not Sorry, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25160671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Computercat1008/pseuds/Computercat1008
Summary: There's a multitude of names that John has gone by, including, but not limited to, Lionel Dancer, Franklin Preacher, June Lichen, Tara Butler, and Theodore Reece. Why so many names? Well, it would be very suspicious to have a person named John Keyes walking around, disappearing mysteriously every twenty years or so when they got bored of their life. How is that possible? Simple - he's a vampire.
Relationships: John | KryozGaming/SMii7Y
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ayri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayri/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Plea for my New Self](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22807720) by [Ayri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayri/pseuds/Ayri). 



> HEY IT'S ME! I haven't posted anything in a YEAR and I'm SICK OF IT! This story is brought to you by me, but the REAL CREDIT for the universe this story is set in goes to Ayri! They have graciously allowed me to use their brilliant AU for this story, so please go check out their story, Plea for My New Self (first result on Google)
> 
> Also, because I'm writing about real conscious people.. This does NOT reflect their actual selves and is my interpretation of the personas they use on camera. If they see this and ask me to take it down, I will, no questions asked. There will also be no smut scenes, as I am asexual and am very uncomfortable with writing it.
> 
> And please, tell me which triggers I need to add! I'm not aware of every single trigger out there, so please tell me! Feedback is also greatly appreciated!

John shut off their phone, letting the dark of their room return. They sighed quietly, sitting up.

4:48 AM.

John slid quietly off of their bed, running a hand through their hair. It was still pretty late.

They turned their head to the door, watching for something.

A dull flash of light. They cracked a smile. Only Craig would be working in the middle of the night.

John stood up, planting their feet firmly in the plush carpet. The joys of being married to a rich, immortal bank fraud. They walked over to the door leading to the hallway, opening it smoothly. They saw the light brighter, coming from underneath another door.

 _Can't even do his shit in bed._ John thought, huffing in annoyance.

"Quit being annoyed with my stupid work habits, John. I am severely behind on transferring this dude's money and I don't need your sass." Craig called out. John rolled their eyes, opening the door to Craig's office.

"I'll sass you whenever the fuck I want. We don't need sleep." John grabbed a spinny chair and rolled it beside Craig's desk, sitting in it and spinning slowly.

"Good thing we don't, otherwise my career would be fucked." Craig typed lazily, clicking on something a few times.

"Yeah, probably. My Reddit feed got boring so I want to bother you." John grabbed a pencil from a container, casually snapping it in half and throwing it away.

"Not Ticonderoga Number Two Dash Four-Fifteen." Craig deadpanned. "They were so young."

John laughed. "I still can't believe you numbered all of them."

"You named all of your plants, dude. Don't get me started on that." He retorted, still focused on his screen.

"Gasp. Leave Tristan, Abigail, Troy, Leah, Jason, Winona, Uriel, Simba, Hailey, and Prick Bitch out of this." John feigned offense, putting a hand dramatically on their chest. Craig rolled his eyes.

"Are you forgetting about 🅱ason, Tuna Casserole, Skrimp, Sersa, Ligma, Prickier Bitch, Hunter, Gatherer, and Fuckface Twat McGee?" He listed, smiling.

"No. Obviously not. I would never. How dare you imply that. I take full offense to that and I have decided that I will one day murder you." John said seriously, their grin being the only thing telling him that they weren't serious.

Craig swatted their arm. "Shut up. Your incredibly strong feelings of love are messing up my flow."

"What flow? You never have a work flow. You once called it a 'work NO' if I'm not mistaken." John pointed out.

"You are a nightmare and you are so lucky I love you." Craig responded.

"Yeah, yeah." John stood up and wheeled their chair away from the desk. "Want anything from the fridge? I'm hungry."

"Of course you are. Sure, do we have any A-?" Craig asked, finally turning his gaze towards John.

"Uh, maybe, I dunno. If we do, I'll put some on the heater for you." John shrugged, walking out of the door and down the hall.

 _Thanks, babe._ Craig thought at them.

John flitted downstairs, rolling their eyes. _No problem, loser._ _Do your vampire fraud shit._ They replied. John felt a small surge of love in their chest. _Omg stop it that's super gay!_

 _Dude... We've been married for hundreds of years. We've long since surpassed super gay._ Craig thought, amusement clearly showing.

John laughed quietly, opening up the fridge and scanning it's contents. They took out an A- and an O-, placing them in the heater. _What are we, then? Immortal Jackass Gays?_

_To every single vampire we meet, we are introducing ourselves as the Immortal Jackass Gays, I have just decided._

_Craig, that is the best idea I have ever heard. I'm so glad I married such a gay._ John sat down on the floor, waiting for the blood bags to warm up.

 _Guys, I know you're super gay for each other but can you please not send me your undying affections? I was trying to get my much needed sleep._ The voice of Ivory cut in. Along with that came a feeling of annoyance.

They assumed that Craig responded to her because Ivory became quiet, and her annoyance left. John put up a shield between themself and Ivory, per her request.

 _I'm gonna keep working on this._ Craig thought after a moment.

 _Sounds good, my dude. I'll bring up the bag when it's heated up._ John put a shield up, blocking their Beta from their mind. John gave an experimental tug, relieved when Craig didn't tug back. Tweaking a shield was hard work.

John pulled out their phone and turned it back on, seeing their Reddit feed load back up. What to look at first?

Eventually, after looking through their many subreddits, the heater vibrated as to say the blood bags were finished heating. John turned off their phone and put it in their pocket as they stood up. They grabbed both bags and walked over to the staircase, debating on whether to walk up them or to flit up.

John flitted up the stairs and meandered down the hall, chucking Craig's A- bag into his office. Craig squawked as the bag hit him in the face.

"John!"

"Sorry." John laughed, biting into the blood bag. They flopped onto their and Craig's shared bed, sucking the metallic tasting life support liquid (they hadn't been able to get that line out of their head) out of the bag. Good shit.

John threw the bag to the side, hearing it land in the garbage can. 3 points.

They laid there for a moment or two, getting over the dizziness of feeding from a bag, before taking out their laptop and opening it up. They wanted to watch some Miles from Tomorrowland. It didn't matter if it was a kids show, they wanted to watch some fucking Miles from Tomorrowland.

It didn't take long until the sun was coming up and John had to close all of the curtains. Stupid fucking sun. Burns and shit. Disgusting.

"Hey, John?" Craig poked his head in the door. John looked up at him.

"Yeah, what's up?" John asked.

"I'm going to meet up with Ivory like we talked about. Wanna come?"

"Obviously. If we're talking about my future living area I want to be there." John rolled their eyes, standing up. "Just let me get changed real quick."

Craig laughed. "I assumed so. Be quick, I'm leaving in ten minutes."

"You overestimate how long it takes me to get dressed. Give me a minute." John grabbed a dark teal button-up and ripped blue jeans, shooing Craig out of the room.

"I'll be downstairs!"

"Okay, okay, let me get dressed."

John threw off their house clothes and slipped on the clothes they picked out. They then took a thick black sweater out of their closet as they reached for some socks. As they were putting those on, they reached out blindly for their dark sunglasses, putting their head through the sweater hole and shoving them on their face. John stumbled over a pile of clothes as they went to get their black velvet cape. As they tied the cape, they slipped on their shin-high boots, while also grabbing a random hat.

15 more seconds until a minute was up. John blindly reached for their punk ass spiky bracelets and a ring-clad necklace as they scrambled out of their room's door.

They ran downstairs way faster than humanly possible, skidding to a halt in front of the door where Craig was waiting patiently. John slipped on the bracelets and put on the necklace that their wedding ring was hanging from as Craig handed them a medical mask.

"You made it in under a minute." Craig grabbed his black umbrella as John glamoured their makeup on. Simple purple eyeshadow and a healthy, human blush. "But you forgot your gloves."

"Shit!" John cursed, running upstairs, grabbing their gloves, and running back. "Okay, now I'm ready!" They put on their gloves underneath the spiky bracelets.

Craig opened up the door and walked outside, putting up his umbrella. John linked hands with Craig as they walked, standing under the shade of Craig's umbrella.

"So, did Ivory tell you anything?" John asked, peering at Craig from under their sunglasses, bright aqua eyes hidden partially.

"Something about a Canadian and his tall roommate needing somebody to move in. Not much else." Craig answered, shrugging.

"I still don't like that I have to move. Tell me again why I can't stay with you?" John bumped up against Craig's side.

"My job is dangerous and I could easily get caught. If I do, I don't want you to get wrapped up in my crimes. Besides, you can always bust me out easier if we're not both in jail. And I'll let you know that I don't like this either." Craig explained, adjusting the umbrella.

"Yeah, that makes sense. You can always visit, though. Canadians are supposed to be nice, maybe they'll let you over." John smiled underneath the mask.

"Don't stereotype like that. Are we stereotypical English people?" Craig chastised. John pouted.

"No.. We don't even have our accents anymore. You sounded so sexy." John teased, nudging Craig again.

"Dude, do you know how terrifying it was when you threatened to kill someone for me in an English accent?" Craig asked jokingly.

"Don't act like you haven't done the exact same thing multiple times, fuckwad." John rebuked, grinning. Craig rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, okay, whatever. Let's just hurry up and get to Ivory's before her girlfriend gets back." Craig veered left, dragging John with him.

"Sharp left! Hecate, you've gotta fucking warn a dude." John scrambled to stay under the umbrella. Craig laughed heartily.

"Oh, that never gets old. We're almost there, we've just gotta take another left.. then a right.. and then two more lefts- yeah, this'll take a bit." Craig sighed.

"It's just more time together!" John swung their interlocked hands back and forth wildly.

"That's what I'm worried about." Craig deadpanned.

"Oh shut up, dumb fuck, you love meeeeee!" John poked Craig's cheek with their free hand until he swatted it away.

"You are literally the worst. You are nothing but pain and suffering. I hope death takes me soon." Craig lamented dramatically.

"Says the guy who knows the names of all my plants." They pointed out, giggling. Craig growled.

"No I don't. I oppose that statement. You are incorrect. Wrong. Disgusting. How dare you imply I love your plants." He argued, no bite to his words.

"I never said anything about love, did I?" John asked innocently, grinning.

"Fuck."

"I never said anything about you whispering to my plants about me either. I also never said anything about you delicately watering my plants and checking to make sure they got enough sun. Nah, I never said that." John teased, adjusting their mask.

"Yeah, but I also never said anything about you watching my magic tricks despite knowing how each one of them work. And I absolutely did not say anything about you _instantly falling in love with me_ when you saw my magic tricks way back when." Craig rebutted, twirling the umbrella.

"Wow, bringing out the love card. You are cheating and I do not count that as a win. You suck." John groaned, punching him in the arm lazily.

"Do you want me to let go of your hand?" Craig asked, rasing an eyebrow.

"No! No, I'm sorry! But you still suck."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, we're actually almost there. Her apartment is just right there." Craig gestured with his head, unable to point.

"Finally. I was beginning to melt!" John exclaimed, very dramatic as usual.

"Shut up you big baby. Hecate, it sometimes feels like I'm the ancient one and not you." Craig stopped in front of a door, John doing the same.

"Hey, I'm going Batty, sue me." John opened the door, walking in. Craig followed, closing his umbrella.

"Race you up the stairs?" Craig asked, already running.

"Whatever. If you're cheating I can cheat!" John changed the direction of their gravity, shooting straight upwards and right past Craig, sticking out their tongue.

"Not all of us can control fucking gravity, John!" Craig yelled, picking up his pace.

"Too bad, bitch! I'm gonna win!" John shouted back. Craig skidded to a stop.

"You passed it already." He called up, and John changed direction again, falling down very fast. As they tried to control gravity in the right way, they just kept passing it. John eventually decided to just walk up the wall and switch gravity right into the door.

The door swung open and John fell to the other side of the apartment, Craig walking in behind them, laughing hysterically.

"What the fuck, guys?! You scared the shit out of me!" Ivory was holding a pan out in front of her like a weapon.

"Sorry." Craig apologized as John fell face first on the floor, switching gravity too fast.

"Ow. I'm senile in my old age, give me some credit." John righted themself quickly, taking off their hat, mask, and gloves and setting them on a counter.

Ivory set down her pan. "Okay, we don't have much time. I don't know when Chelsea, my beautiful badass, will be back. A guy I knew from college and his best friend are looking for a roommate after theirs got kicked out. Why, you may be asking? Well, based on my knowledge of the guy, he's an Abbott. Got real paranoid and set up vamp traps. Now they need someone not crazy to pay rent. You up for it?" Ivory explained, sitting on a counter.

"I mean, I'm not exactly the pinnacle of sanity, but yeah, sure. I've been itching to find out where the Abbotts were anyway. Sign me up." John shrugged. "I've got nothing better to do."

"Great! I'll let them know right now!" Ivory took out her phone and began typing, presumably to the people John was going to be living with.

It was a crazy thought, to be honest. Leaving Craig, that was. John had never been very far from him, not since 1148. They were peanut butter and jam! Blood and guts! Diamonds and emeralds! You get the gist. Being away from their singular constant was.. scary.. to think about. Yes, Craig would visit, but it wasn't the same. It wouldn't be the same. And then John would be living where a former vampire hunter lived. That was pretty freaky.

"They say that they're excited to meet you! They also want to know when you're moving in." Ivory set her phone down next to her.

"Pshh.. I dunno. I'm not sure how the whole moving in thing works, that's usually been Craig's job." John took a seat on the ceiling, looking down at both of them.

"Yeah, you barely know how to operate a microwave. I'll handle that." Craig affirmed. John flipped him off.

"I'm probably thousands of years old. Chill out." John pouted, crossing their arms.

"You act like a toddler half the time, though." Craig pointed out. Further proving his point, John stuck their tongue out at him.

"Alright, now shoo. Chelsea is going to get home soon, and I don't want her to see Mx. Thousand Year Old Baby on the ceiling." Ivory looked up at them pointedly.

"Ughhh, fine.." John dropped down from the ceiling, collecting their things and putting them on. They swished their cape dramatically as they turned, walking out her apartment door.

Craig followed them out, sighing. "It was a mistake to give you that cape."

"Yeah, I know."

"It doesn't help that you look really hot in it."

"Yeah, I know."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh. hey.
> 
> guess who forgot to write? uh, haha, me.
> 
> so don't expect this to be updated frequently.
> 
> :)

It wasn't very long until John was set to move in. All that was left was packing, and then he would move in with two complete strangers.

Hell, he didn't even know their names. All he knew was that one was Canadian and that a vampire hunter had lived there before. But, y'know, chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

Speaking of bucket, his foot was stuck in one as of now. It was quite uncomfortable, and he was trying to get out of the bucket.

Craig was laughing, like usual. He was even recording John's suffering.

"Craig, for Hecate's sake, help me out of this fucking bucket!" John hissed, rolling on the floor, trying to kick the bucket off.

"Can't you just break it?" Craig asked, still laughing.

"BITCH WHAT?! NO! I am _NOT_ breaking this bucket, this bucket is older than you!" John shouted, whacking the bucket against the ground twice. "It won't break, anyway. It never has. I once threw this puppy off of a roof and it didn't break."

"It's ceramic?"

"YEAH, EXACTLY! JUST HELP ME OUT OF THE BUCKET!"

"Why do you even need to bring that?" Craig asked, still holding his phone up.

"I.. I put dirt in it. For my plants." Craig began laughing harder. "NO- STOP. THIS IS NOT FUNNY! YOU ARE SO RUDE!"

Craig stopped the recording in the middle of John's screaming. "Okay! Okay! I'll help! Calm down!"

"Oh Hecate, finally! I was going to knock you over the head with this bucket if you didn't!" John sighed in relief, lifting the bucket towards Craig. "Take it off."

"You're such a baby." Craig set his phone down and grabbed the bucket, pulling.

Craig pulled harder.

And harder.

"What the fuck? It's not coming off." Craig grunted, pulling on the bucket with all his might.

"See? I'll just show up with a bucket on my foot. Y'know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna fucking wear this dumbass bucket. And you better fucking record me meeting these guys with a bucket on my foot. It'll be funny." John dropped his foot, going to stand. He wobbled for a bit, but stayed upright.

"Are you sure? As your certified one braincell, I don't think that's a good idea." Craig pointed out.

"Oh, it's a terrible idea. I am fully aware of that. But consider this- I don't care." John crossed his arms, smiling.

"If this goes bad, it's your fault, and nobody else's."

"It's going to go horribly wrong and it's completely my fault. Now, let's get all the important stuff packed up, eh?" John hobbled over to a box and picked it up. "You gonna help?"

"You are a dumbass." Craig said while picking up a box.

They began walking down the hall.

_clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk_

"Can you walk any quieter?" Craig asked.

"No. I want to be as annoying as possible." John began walking louder.

"I hate you."

"Thank you."

They both spent about an hour moving boxes into the car. Even as strong as they were, they had to go up and down a long flight of stairs, and John had a bucket on his foot. So, obviously, it would take a while. And then the arguing began.

"Seriously, can't you just break it?"

"Yeah, sure! I'll just go jump off the house real quickly and hope I don't break my legs."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Well what did you mean? Do you want me to take a sledgehammer and go to town on it?"

"You are an insufferable bastard and I know there's an apple tree nearby."

"I thought we were past violent threats already?"

"You just were saying you were gonna jump off the roof."

"That's sarcasm! Even I know what sarcasm is!"

"It's not my fault I'm like 872!"

"We're basically the same age because Hecate knows I can barely remember anything before then!"

"You can't even untie a damn knot anymore, how the hell do you know sarcasm?"

"Uh, excuse you! I can untie a knot, just not the knots that I can't fucking remember!"

"You can't untie your shoes, John!"

"Yes I can! I just don't like to!"

"You literally asked me to untie your shoes for you a year ago."

"That was a year ago! I've learned!"

"John, you're thousands of years old how can you not tie a fucking shoelace-"

"Says the guy who doesn't know what an onomatopoeia is!"

"It's not my fault that English teachers in the 1100's were basically illiterate!"

"Dude, you knew how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism the day it was coined! It took me until college to learn that shit! And I'm not talking before-identities college, I'm talking now college!"

"Bitch we were English nobles how the fuck did you even manage to do anything when you can't spell a word you can easily sound out?!"

"Because vampires basically have mind control! I didn't need to do anything!"

"How did you survive?!"

"I'm technically dead, Craig."

"You know what I mean!"

"Yeah, I do, it's just fun annoying you!"

"I know, that's why we argue!"

"It feels pretty nice to yell!"

"I know, it really does!"

"We should do this more often!"

"We do this every day, John!"

"No we don't!"

"We literally did this yesterday!"

"You have no proof!"

"My memory is enough proof!"

"My memory went, how do I know you'res hasn't too!?"

"Wrong your!"

"What!? How do you know which your I said?"

"It was implied!"

"How the hell is the difference between your and you're implied?! I'm genuinely curious I just like yelling!"

"I just know how you talk!"

"That's super gay!"

"We had this conversation two weeks ago!"

"THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO!? I THOUGHT THAT WAS TWO DAYS AGO!?"

"You are so fucking old! Imagine being a boomer! Can't relate!"

"Dude you're literally 872 what the hell!"

"You are so much older than me, I can call you a boomer."

"Can I call you a Zoomer then? Little baby Zoomer!"

"No, I'm not a Zoomer. I'm Millennial at BEST!"

"Compared to me, bitch, you're fucking Gen BETA!"

"They're NOT EVEN BORN YET?!?!"

"EXACTLY! BITCH I WAS AROUND BEFORE THE ROMAN EMPIRE WAS!"

"WHAT THAT'S SO COOL I NEVER KNEW THAT!"

"HOW HAVE YOU NOT KNOWN THAT?! I'VE SAID MULTIPLE TIMES THAT I'VE TALKED TO JESUS!"

"WAIT YOU WEREN'T KIDDING!?"

"NO I WASN'T! JESUS WAS A GREAT GUY! RESERVED ME A SPOT IN HEAVEN AND EVERYTHING!"

"WAIT DO GAYS GO TO HEAVEN?!"

"JESUS HAD TWO DADS OF COURSE THEY GO TO HEAVEN!"

"THEN WHY DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN HECATE?!"

"SHE'S MY MOM, CRAIG! STRAIGHT OUTTA STEVEN UNIVERSE TYPE SHIT!"

"BUT STEVEN'S MOM WASN'T A LITERAL GODDESS!"

"MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN!"

"GODDAMNIT DON'T MAKE ME DROP THIS BOX!"

"SORRY I TRIPPED!"

"CAN WE STOP YELLING NOW I THINK THE NEIGHBORS MIGHT CALL THE COPS!?"

"YEAH SURE!"

"Okay great. That's the last of them, right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

-':∆:'-

It was a known fact that John could not drive. He never took the driving test, and the machine was too complicated for him. John could tango with the best of them, yet a car was too weird. The pedals made him uneasy, the steering wheel was uncomfortable, and generally being in a contraption that moved on its own with basically no help scared the shit out of him. And that wasn't easy, John had been through a lot of shit over the thousands of years he's lived.

When he first saw a car, he was amazed and utterly terrified. He thought the fae were out to get him, and wouldn't go outside for weeks. He almost starved to death, but Craig forced him outside.

So, when the time came to actually get in the car, John was nervous.

"Are you sure the fae won't kill me?" John asked, eyeing the car uneasily. He expected it to start bleeding from the exhaust at any second.

"Yes, John, I'm sure. Let's go." Craig sighed, turning towards the car.

"You've seen how humans die in these things! It could be us next!" John protested.

"John, we'll be fine. I'm good at driving." He opened the driver's side door and climbed in.

"But-"

"The only butt I want is yours sitting down in this car." Craig closed the car door, the noise making John jump.

"Fine! But don't close the door so loudly, Hecate." John grumbled, walking over to the passenger side and carefully opening the door, struggling to get the bucket in momentarily. He shut the door, now trapped inside the metal death machine.

"Put your seatbelt on." Craig instructed, doing the same. John grabbed it cautiously, inspecting it briefly before putting the metal bit inside the plastic thing, hearing it click.

" _Hecate bjargaðu mér frá þessari brjálæði ég er að deyja það er engin von til framtíðar minnar lengur og þetta eru niðurstöður heimsku fólksins sem ég er viss um._ " John muttered as Craig started the car, closing his eyes under the dark sunglasses he wore.

"John, we're gonna be fine, it's just across town. When did you learn Icelandic anyway?"

"I don't know anymore. A long time ago." John answered, not bothering to even attempt to remember.

"Well, that's valid. Ready?" Craig asked, not waiting for John to answer. He peeled out of the driveway, John screaming.

" _CRAIG VOUS ÊTES LE PIRE ET J'ESPÈRE QUE VOUS MOURREZ D'UN EMPOISONNEMENT À L'ALCOOL!_ " John yelled angrily, Craig laughing his ass off.

"Alcohol poisoning, eh? That's a new one." Craig giggled, slowing down to the actual speed limit.

"Be thankful that I haven't broke this machine yet." John growled, clutching the seat like a lifeline, the fabric beginning to rip.

"Thanks for not breaking it completely." Craig gestured at the seat with a hand, looking at the road.

"Sorry." John removed his hands and held onto the seatbelt instead. "I'm nervous."

"Yeah, that's pretty obvious. We'll be there soon." Craig reassured.

"Hecate, I hope so. Wait, what are their blood types?" John added, turning to Craig.

"One's O- and the other is B+ I think. You won't have a problem handling yourself as long as there are no cuts and you're fed." Craig responded, casually flipping off a guy who cut them off.

"I was worried we'd have a U-Rare situation on our hands or something." John relaxed slightly, looking out the window.

"However, you're not totally out of the clear. Their previous roommate was an AB-, and when Ivory went into the room she could still smell it around the place." Craig tacked on, rolling his eyes. "Why would he even have his own blood around the place if he was a hunter? Idiotic."

"Oh, fantastic. I'll just clean it or something. Hopefully I don't find his blood anywhere, that would really suck." John grumbled, more annoyed than anything.

"I'd have to come bail you out like last time." Craig chuckled fondly.

"Shut up, it wasn't my fault." John whacked Craig's arm, causing the steering wheel to jerk slightly. "SHIT I ANGERED THE FAE MOBILE RUN!" John tried to open the door frantically, but Craig locked the door in exasperation.

"John it's fine. We've only got a few more minutes."

"W- You really weren't kidding when you said it wouldn't be long."

"And you didn't believe me? Wow."

"Not really."

"WOW-"

-':∆:'-

John practically fell out of the car when it stopped, touching the road as if greeting a loved one who just came back from a war. He distantly heard the bucket clunk as it fell out of the door, too caught up in praising Hecate for letting him survive.

"John, get off the ground. People are staring." Craig sighed, holding the umbrella over the both of them.

"I don't CARE that people are staring!" John caressed the road lovingly. " _Solid ground.._ "

"Quit being horny for the road please, that's weird." Craig took his free hand and yanked John to his feet, bucket clanking unsteadily.

"I've done it before, I'll do it again. How old are we now, by the way?" John asked, brushing off dust.

"We just got out of college and moved here for college and now that we're not in dorms we had to move to different places. You're 24 and I'm 23. Don't forget it again." Craig whacked him on the back of the head softly.

"Alright, geez. Put away the goth umbrella, we need to act normal." John said, like a fucking hypocrite.

"Says the guy who was making out with asphalt a second ago." Craig retorted, putting the umbrella away anyway. "And it's not goth, it just is what gives the most coverage. Now get inside before we burn."

John needed no more convincing as he felt the warmth of the sun. He scrambled inside, Craig not far behind.

"So...?"

"No race this time, John."

"Oh, fuck you."

John was forced to walk up the stairs like a normal person. If he had a nickel for every time he'd enjoyed stairs solely because he had a bucket on his foot and annoyed Craig with it he'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's strange that it's happened twice.

Eventually, with a lot of complaining and clomping, they made it to John's new apartment. Weird to think about.

Before he could even knock, the door flung open.

"SMITTY, THE NEW ROOMIE'S HERE!"

 _Wait, Craig, do I introduce you as my husband or not?_ John thought at Craig.

 _No, we're too young to be married._ Craig replied.

"OH FINALLY! INVITE HIM IN, DUMBASS- OH FUCK-" The sound of clattering filled John's ears as Smitty presumably fell.

"Well, you heard the clumsy oaf, come on in. Which one of you is John, by the way?" The person in front of him asked. Craig subtly took out his phone and began recording, waiting for the perfect comedic moment that was going to happen.

"That would be me. I'm John." John responded, walking past one of his new roommates.

Another person rounded a corner, and he immediately looked down at Johns feet.

"Is that a bucket on your foot?" The person John assumed was Smitty questioned.

"Yeah. I can't get it off so it's there. Lemme tell you, it's hard as balls to sleep with this shit. It's been, what, a week?" John turned to Craig questioningly.

"A week and a half, if I remember correctly." Craig supplied helpfully.

"Yeah, that."

"Also, John, quit pretending to be cool, you were making out with the road like a minute ago." Craig said, like a bitch.

"I thought we agreed to not tell people that." John put his hands on his hips.

"Yeah. We did. Anyway, I'm Craig, John's boyfriend. Nice to meet you."

Smitty and the other guy were clearly reeling from the conversation they just had.

"Nice to meet you too. I'm Tyler, do uh, do you want the tour?"

"As long as you don't mind the noise the bucket will make."


	3. Lil Quick Update

Heyo what's up. I'm kinda sad to say that this fic will be going thru a rewrite!! Why? Because literally five minutes ago I found out that one of the people I'm writing about is a pedophile!! And that is not okay!!

So I will be reworking the storyline to get rid of Mini Ladd/Craig Thompson as a character. More work for me.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kMJ-CDlOhdQ 

That's the video I watched :/

So, updates may be a lot slower, since I have to rewrite it and school just started up for me. Hooray. And please, don't hate on me for including him in the first place, because I literally didn't know until now and I will right my wrongs. Hope he goes to jail, bitch. ✌️

TL;DR - Craig's actually a pedophile and solicited minors so I'm taking him out of the story with a sniper rifle.

**Author's Note:**

> And just because I want to give the credit that they deserve- PLEASE go check out Ayri's wonderful, amazing, showstopping story. I even made this sales pitch right now:
> 
> Want a taste of a rollercoaster of fluff? Craving some rich boy vampire spoiling some gays? Simply wanting to read good fanfiction? Fear not, young person, for I have the story for you!
> 
> This story is so adorable that you might want to put on a retainer or your teeth will rot out of your skull. The plot and background is worked out very well and it took seven Reddit posts to detail it to me lol. Interested? You better be.
> 
> Link to Plea for my New Self: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22807720?view_adult=true 
> 
> (Also please remind me to write I have so many wips.. and if the people I'm writing about ever read this I'm very sorry and please don't hate me)


End file.
